The Origins of the Speci-... I Mean, My Exhaustion

So since I wrote last, I have discovered the core issues around my exhaustion, and they feed into each other, compounding everything.

I am overweight (as I mentioned in my first few posts), and this causes all kinds of issues. When I run, my joints are overstressed and so they produce additional cortisol, which makes me more tired. I also tend to have a sore lower back at all times because I carry so much extra weight around my middle and my core is weak, so running makes this go out more.

I also don't sleep well. Some of this is due to untreated sleep apnea that I have had for my whole life, but which gets much worse when I put on weight. Because of this, I have been a side sleeper for forever.

The second part of the sleep issue is that my IT bands on the sides of my legs are constantly sore (it runs in the family). Even with a fantastic mattress (I have the Purple, and I love it), I still wake up multiple times during the night to turn over to the other side because they hurt. The fact that my lower back is sore compounds the IT band problem and also makes my hip joints ache really badly when I side sleep, but because I have sleep apnea, I cannot sleep on my back. Result:

Actual video footage of me during the night. I get reeeeaaaaal ugly. And green.

So all of these things together makes for constant exhaustion, but because I'm so sedentary, this hadn't really popped into active awareness. Also, it totally explains one of the reasons WHY I've been so sedentary - if I have no energy, I'll stay sitting for as long as possible.

Because of all this, I simply cannot continue any kind of marathon training until these items are addressed, sadly.

Solutions:

First, I need to lose weight. I'm doing the Jared McDonald Metabolic Reset - so far, I have lost around 13 lbs in 23 days. I have 20 more days in my losing phase, so I hope to get under 200 lbs by then! I'll likely need to do another losing phase in January, after the holidays, to get to where I feel I need to be, around 170 or lower. I cannot exercise while on this diet.

Second, my mom got a CPAP machine for me. It arrived yesterday, but I will not have time to figure it out for another couple of days, but once I do, I'm hoping sleeping on my back will sidestep the sore hip and IT band problem as well as letting me sleep better at night.

Between all of these things, I'm hoping to restart full training for a marathon in March of next year, though I plan to do some running again once I am past this part of the diet. I won't be able to do the Sketchers marathon in LA like I was hoping, so I'll be on the lookout for another one later in the year.

I'll post again in a few weeks to report how the diet and sleep apnea are going!

I am NOT Neo after all.

Whew, been busy and I haven't written in a little while!

Training has been an interesting experience. On the 4th of July, I went running before everyone arrived for the BBQ, and it completely drained me of energy. I wasn't sore, nor was my heart beating out of my chest, I just had no energy at all. I've been exhausted for a couple of weeks now. In fact, as I look back, I can see that while my strength is getting better, I'm getting more flexible, and my endurance is improving, my overall energy level is going down since I started, not going up. That seems... off.

I mean, I knew I would be tired, but EXHAUSTED? Sheesh.

While there are a ton of possibilities, I see two in particular that may be the biggest culprits: sleep and water.

1) Since I began running, my sleep has been really iffy - I typically get to bed around 10 and sleep until 6, but I've had so many things going on that I've been more getting to bed at midnight and getting up at 5, or to bed by 10 and up at 3. Now that my kids are with their mom and my family reunion is over, this should begin to settle down, though it hasn't yet and I'm not feeling as exhausted.

2) Water. As I researched, it seems as though someone my age should be drinking close to 105 oz of water/day, and that goes up if you are in a dry climate and up again if you are at a high elevation. I am in a dry, elevated area, so I should probably be drinking close to 120-130 oz/day, and I'm averaging around 60.

I'm trying to drink way more water, we'll see how that goes. It's hard to remember to drink that much during the day - it's 4 of my 32 oz water bottles, and I feel waterlogged when I drink 2.5 or 3. But I'm working on it.

Since I got back from the family reunion this last week, I've been out all but one day. I'm trying to avoid running in the heat of the afternoon, and I began running (not just walking) again for the first time since the 4th, too, but taking it really easy. Until I can figure out what is going on with my energy level, I'm not pushing hard, that's for certain. 

Right now, I'm in Move-Forward-As-Much-As-I-Can-Without-Tanking-Again mode. There may be diet contributions, vitamin deficiencies, or any number of other causes, but I'll try to get sleep and water out of the way before I try to nail down anything else.

I am Neo, dodging bullets! Plus, motivation. Also, runner's high.

So look - I have a very weak core. I am also built strangely - my arms and legs are super duper skinny, all of my weight is in my torso.

Maybe a long-lost relative?

Seriously, it's weird. It's also annoying because since my core is weak and I have a gut that sticks out, my weight tends to throw my back out 3-4x/year. Always my lower right back, I'm usually picking up a piece of paper or something like it and I can feel some part of my back just snap out of place, and by the next morning, I'm a cripple. I hobble around like an old man, and it really lays me flat for about a week.

Sometimes it just starts to go out slowly and peaks without ever having an event that sparks it, but I'm still usually out for about a week.

Last week, I could feel my back slowly start to go out. It began shortly after my last blog post, and I got double annoyed. Why would my back choose to go out RIGHT AFTER I wanted to start training for a marathon?

We got two back braces and my wife worked on my back for a while, with me screaming in agony. No, really - I'm always really loud when I get an adjustment or massage. I spent one day unable to walk, but I was able to resume my training the next day! I'll take 1 day over 1 week down!

That's me, but with more hair, a smaller gut, more athletic arms and legs, and cooler clothes and that's not really me I guess.

Bullet DODGED.

*Cue tense music*

But THAT NIGHT, I picked up my son and turned left around the couch to take him to bed, and when I stepped with my right foot around the corner, it twisted hard under me and I went down hard. I've twisted my ankle lots of times, and this one was different. I've also broken my foot, and that was different, too - there was no sound of snapping this time, thank goodness. I had pain spike up my leg and I rolled in agony for several seconds. I just KNEW my ankle was sprained and I was going to be out for a week.

The pain faded very quickly, but soon settled into a deep ache throughout my foot. I icepacked it, went to bed, and when I got up, there was a small bruise on the side of my ankle, but no pain. I jumped up and down, jogged in place, nothing.

Bring it, life. Do your worst.

Bullet DODGED.

I only missed one day due to injury and I've been fine ever since!

It was also interesting a couple of days ago as I was running. I could feel the desire to run and succeed at this marathon. It made me willing to deal with whatever pain comes in order to achieve my goal. While I have had this experience in other aspects of my life, it has never been  1) in the physical sphere, and 2) not driven by a need (like getting a job or getting through school). This was voluntary. New corner for me to turn, and I'm excited about it.

I recently spoke with a friend who is a long distance runner, he said the runner's high doesn't come during the run but after you complete the run. Sounds suspiciously like the good feeling you get when you accomplish something worthwhile in your life. Seems a misnomer to talk about the runner's high when it's just, "Hey, I did something awesome and I feel good about it!" I mean, that's a pretty awesome feeling, but should we start using runner's high to talk about it in every situation, sorta like how non-tennis players get tennis elbow?

"I got the best runner's high when I finished my presentation and the boss gave me a thumbs up!"

Yeah, doesn't seem to work. I'll continue my investigative work and keep y'all posted on anything else I discover about this elusive "runner's high" thing.

OK, back to your regularly scheduled day.

Unexpected consequences and changing of character - Day 7

Today was my 7th day of running, and it's been an interesting ride so far.

For instance, I have suddenly been WAY more active in chasing my other goals. I look back and see a deep layer of passivity in how I lived my life, something that is only really just now changing. I mean, I got a Master's degree and built a successful counseling practice while working 80 hour weeks, so I'm not a stranger to hard work, but this is different.

I find I am less interested in sitting back and letting things just... happen, and more interested in getting in there and creating the space where things happen. This is still new to me, but I couldn't have predicted it. I'm sure I'll comment more on this as I go.

I am also actively working on changing my past attitude about running. Now, when my legs are killing me and I want to stop, I repeat to myself, "I love the pain of running. I want to do this. I want to embrace the pain of change and challenging myself in this. I love to run even when it hurts."

I used to say stuff like, "Man, this sucks. I hate running. This hurts so bad, I just can't keep going, etc." Figured changing my language will go a long ways.

I'm not sure I believe my new narrative yet, but I'm repeating it to myself right in the most painful moments, so I expect it will eventually become true.

"And so it begins..." (-Ambassador Kosh, Babylon 5 pilot episode, "The Gathering")

TL;DR version:

I've always been a huge nerd, with a few stints here and there of exercise that tend to quickly drop off. Now I'm 44, overweight, and very out of shape, but I'm ready to transform my life, so I'll be running the LA Sketchers Marathon in March of 2019. Yes, a full marathon in 9 months from now.

This will be a log of my journey.

Full version:

About me

So let me be real for a second - my nerd cred is strong. I played the Atari 2600 when it came out and luuuurrrrrrved Adventure and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Couldn't get enough of them. I began playing D&D when I was 6. I can still clearly remember some of the first dungeons my uncle ran me through. I sucked down every fantasy/sci-fi book I could get my hands on. Heck, I remember reading The Hobbit when I was maybe 7, and LotR followed not too soon after.

As I grew, I collected tons of RPG books from a variety of games - Paranoia, Shadowrun, D&D (natch), Marvel Super Heroes, Gamma World, and probably a few others that I am blanking out on. I would go to my local 7-11 and stand by the comic book rack reading all the comics - mostly Marvel with some DC along the way. I had a growing library of novels from David Eddings (Belgariad/Mallorian) to Robert Jordan (Wheel of Time) to Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman (DragonLance).

I played tons of video games, too. I played Pool of Radiance and the entire D&D Gold Box series as soon as they came out (all except Pools of Darkness - I got that one later and never really finished it). I played King's Quest and a number of other hunt-and-click type adventures. I played the original Diablo and Starcraft (I missed Warcraft but caught Warcraft 2 and beyond) in college and adored them.

When I was in my early 20s, I discovered webcomics - I began reading Sluggy Freelance and Player vs Player (though I stopped following those several years later), Schlock Mercenary (written by the brother of one of my college buddies, still reading today - best place to start is here, and don't worry, the art gets waaaay better over time), and a few others. Inspired by these, I have spent over a decade of my life doing world (and plot) building for a webcomic of my own. It's still in the development phase, but it's there.

And then there were the TV shows and movies. While everyone else was watching Titanic multiple times (I've never seen it), I watched the original DragonHeart five times in the theater. I was excited and then disappointed by The Phantom Menace (though I certainly enjoyed the lightsaber battles), and even stood in line overnight for Attack of the Clones.  Some guy made waffles for us in the morning! And I fell in love with the best TV show of all time, let alone the best sci-fi show, Babylon 5 (currently available to watch on Amazon Prime!).

I was a better person for watching this.

In fact, I recently went to my first Comic Con with my family, all in costume! We were reverse gender, steampunk Alice in Wonderland. It was a blast!

From left to right: Alex in Wonderland, the King of Hearts, the White Rabbit, a fellow steampunk con-goer, the Mad Hattress, the Cheshire Cat (on the ground), the Dormouse, the White King, and the March Hare. Costumes handmade by my wife!

See? Nerd. Still a nerd today, love how the world is shifting in our favor. Marvel movies (we'll ignore the presence of the DC movies except for Wonder Woman), new board and video games on Kickstarter every day, nerd TV shows and catchphrases are in normal society, etc.

As a typical nerd, I tend to loathe most physical activity. There were a few exceptions along the way - I somewhat enjoyed volleyball as a kid, I learned how to dance some hiphop in high school (my footwork was decent, but my arms... certain unnamed sources who are my brothers told me I looked like a flailing chicken), tried a little track in high school, and had a few aborted attempts to working out in gyms or running around the neighborhood over the years as an adult.

Nothing stuck. I still hated exercise, and especially running. Running was the worst. I have been convinced all my life that this "runner's high" they talk about is a dirty fabrication used to lure people into the sport and keep them working harder and harder, all while being convinced that they are the only ones not feeling it yet. I'm confident it's some kind of inside joke they tell to the newbies and then snicker behind their backs.

Runner 1: "Hahahaha, Bill totally bought the 'runner's high' story!"

Runner 2: "Really? Seriously? I thought for sure he'd see me crack up behind him when you said it, but I guess he didn't."

Runner 1: "Or maybe he thought you were stretching for your race next week? Anyhow, he's determined to get there. I told him it could be a while, maybe a year or more. *snicker*"

Runner 2: "BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A *year*? You told him a *year*? And he *bought* it? Oh, that's rich. Man, I wonder how long before he realizes that running just sucks for everyone?"

Runner 1: "Right? If it wasn't so committed to keeping this joke going, I'd have quit doing this years ago."

Runner 2: "Yeah, me, too. But we gotta suffer for our art, right?"

I mean, have you seen the FACES of people while they run? These people do not look happy. They  actually look like they are in terrible agony, and they want us to buy this "runner's high" thing?

Nobody is having fun here.

*In case you haven't caught it yet, this is a literary device known as ironic foreshadowing.*

And So It Begins

So look - just like every other human being on the planet, I have my struggles, barriers, and issues. I will certainly die with some of them still intact, perhaps improved on where they were earlier in life, but still intact.

That being said, I hit a point just a couple of days ago where I realized I'm ready to stretch in ways I have never thought I would. I searched my life for two things that I swore I would never ever ever do, and said it was time to do them.

1) I *hate* liver and onions. I have had them exactly one time in my life. I was 5 or 6 and I literally went almost 2 days with no food before I finally choked it down. That experience is seared into my memory and I have avoided them ever since.

I had my wife pick up some liver the other night, prepared it with onions, and choked it down. It was as nasty as I remember, but I *did* it.

Proof:

2) Did I mention that I hate running? Like, it's the worst of all the exercising you can do? So I went all out and plan to break through this wall. I am going to run the LA Sketchers marathon on March 24, 2019, just about 9 months and 1.5 weeks from today.

I know that I cannot willpower my way through this experience - I've tried numerous times to do so when trying to start an exercise routine in the past, and I've failed every time. All the hate I have for running has to transform into a love for running, or else I will not be successful.

I frankly expect a lot of struggle, tears, and frustration on this path. One does not easily change something so deeply set in your formative years. But I have to change, I know I do, and this is the way to do it. 

In 9 months, I will be a completely different person, the kind of person who loves running and has the desire and mindset to complete a 26.2 mile race, something I simply do not have right now.

So I will be blogging my journey from a nerdy wimp to a nerdy marathon runner. You are welcome to join me, though this will be a personal experience. 

Prepping for the Race

I'm overweight and not much of an exerciser (obviously), so I'm starting easy. I picked up an app called Couch to 10k and will be using that workout schedule to build my endurance until I can tackle a 10k in about 4 months. After that, I should be ready to prep in earnest, so I'll grab a marathon trainer app then.

Today was Day 2 - yesterday was 30 min of jogging for 60 seconds and walking for 90 with a little warm up in the beginning and cool down at the end. Today, we just went for a 20 min brisk walk in the cold rain. If I'm gonna do a marathon, I can't let a little rain get in my way. Heck, I live in Rexburg, Idaho, a suburb of the North Pole, so I'll have to figure out how to run during the bitter winter months (approximately August-May). I'll let you know how I'll handle it as I get closer.

Here's a brief list of my needs, not necessarily in order:

• a full physical from a doctor to determine my current health and get a baseline
• really superb running shoes (I hear Hoka One One shoes are great)
• patience
• increase of core strength - I probably need to start some yoga
• humilty
• willingness to suffer
• patience
• some kind of diet change (I like ice cream and Oreos, probably too much)
• willingness to lie to other runners about "runner's high"
• lots of patience
• brutal honesty

There's probably more, but this is good for now. I'm just starting,and we'll see how everything changes over 9 months. 

As a side note, today I took some unflattering (but humorously nerdy) Before pics. I'll post 'em in 9 months with the totally flattering After pics side-by-side.

Ready to walk with me (not literally) (unless literally)? Let's do this. I'll post every so often and keep everyone honestly apprised of my progress.